I hate fourth of July.

As a holiday, I can appreciate it. I support our troops, yadda yadda…but this whole “family time” crap is killing me. My great grandma used to make these snack things and my grandma is always telling me how I don’t think of anyone but myself, so I decided this year I would make the snacks. But my grandma said she didn’t want me anywhere near the kitchen because she was cooking too many things and there were too many people in there already.

I could have accepted that, except for the fact that she was the only one in the kitchen and she wasn’t even using the oven. As I pointed that out, my little cousin promptly runs in exclaiming that she wants to make brownies.

How did my grandma respond? “Why, of course you can make brownies!”

Efffffffff.

Summerrrrrr

Hmm...let's just jump right in.

My first church camp went really well. I made friends with a homeless guy. He was only 20. He told me his life story and it just really made me think, life's messed up. But this guy talked like it wasn't the end of the world for him. Like he accepted his life and was gonna get back to the top some day. He was very cool.

This week we're at the beach. It's going pretty good so far. I got pretty burned the first day, but it was worth it. I grabbed a jellyfish today. Really freaked me out.

And next week I go to Mo. Abbie's going this year. I really hope she enjoys it :)

And two weeks after that, band camp starts. It feels like life is going by so fast. My sister's doing guard with me this year. And I'm a senior. In a month I'll be filling out college applications and planing out the rest of my life. It's unreal...

Been a while...

It's been a month or so and here I am, back at the computer, talking to the world. Well, the invisible world of nobody. Anyway, I suppose I could fill everyone (anyone) in on recent events.
-Junior year is finally over and I am officially a senior!
-I think my dad and I have come to some sort of...I don't know. But it's a lot less tense.
-My grandpa and I have come to a not so silent agreement. He bet me a hundred bucks that he can be more polite to me than I could be to him. Easy money for me! (The morning before, he told me I wasn't even getting in to college because I'm making Bs.)
-Pookah is Satanic and adorable, as per usual.
-I think I've decided on Mississippi State, but I'm still stuck between there and Baylor. (Opposite ends of the spectrum, I know.)

I think that's about it. We kicked off the summer with a party Tuesday afternoon and right now we're on the road to a family reunion on the lake. Maybe I'll be back soon, but I make no promises.

Adios!

Dear caretakers.

You know, I really wish I could be an actual person. Instead, I'm forced to fit into this perfect space in their giant jigsaw puzzle of freaking life. But they don't get that they trying to squeeze me into this itty bitty space and I just don't fit. Or rather, they get it; they just refuse to accept it. So they keep ripping off pieces of who I am. But they'll just keep ripping me until there's nothing left.
I'm sorry I'm not little enough.
I'm sorry I don't have any given talent for you to show off.
I'm sorry I don't make straight A's.
I'm sorry I have opinions that differ from yours.
I'm sorry I can't be 100% happy 24/7.
I'm sorry I can't be perfect for you.

But most of all, I'm sorry you can't see.



See, I painted this. When I showed it to you, you said it was "nice". But you didn't get it. You didn't get what I was trying to tell you. She has flawless skin because you won't accept anything but perfection. She has no mouth because you took away her voice. She has no body because no matter what she does, it will never be skinny enough for you. And yet, she cries. Because she's still not good enough. I'll never be good enough, will I?

You know, (well, actually, you don't) all I've had today are two doughnuts. And I have to figure out how to work those off here in a bit. That's pretty messed up. But you'll never know how hard I work at this, because you'll accuse me of being sick. Ha. Maybe I am sick. But I can't tell you that. You'll send me to another therapist. But it won't work. You know why? Two reasons.

One. Therapists can't be trusted. They'll tell you all my secrets. Everything. And then you'll know more about me than I care for you know. I've taken care of myself for the past seventeen years. I don't need you jumping in now just because you feel guilty. Spare me.

Two. I'll go twice before you start telling me I'm not REALLY screwed up. That it's all an act. That I'm wasting your precious money. Just like you did before.

So I think I'll stick to blogging. And in a year, I'll go off to college. And I hope you have fun when I come home, stay at a friend's house, and not even tell you I'm back. You'll see me in Brookshire's maybe. And I might smile and wave. And I hope you realize how lucky you are that I'm not the one who decides where you'll live when you're too old to take care of yourself.

P.S. Have you ever wondered why one of your kids lives ten hours away and the other one doesn't like to call or come over? Have you ever wondered why I keep talking about going to college as far away as possible? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, it's because you're doing something wrong???

Ohmygoodnessithasbeenawhile!!!

I haven't posted in about a month. But, truth be told, not a whole lot has happened. I could talk about the situation in Libya, but I honestly don't care. I could talk about Japan but, other than that I'm hoping for things to get better, I have nothing to say. I'd like to avoid talking about my stupid girl drama...but this blog is supposed to be my catharsis. I'll talk about whatever I feel like talking about. Currently, I have no need to blog my thoughts. I'm trying a new thing where I "blog" it all out on a sheet of paper and drop it in the hall. It's nice. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base. Have a nice...life, I suppose. Adios.

Ah, my wonderful grandparents...

They would rather me go to a college costing forty thousand a year than one costing thirty thousand simply because it's closer. I swear, it's like they're afraid I won't come back. Granted, no part of me WANTS to come back, but I will anyway. It's insanity. I'm hoping I can dredge up enough charm to change their minds, but if I can't, I'll have to come up with another way. I just can't stay here. I need to get out, go somewhere no one knows my name, have a chance to be myself for once in my life. But I can't do that four or five hours away. There's too much of a chance that I'll run into someone I know. I can't have that. The school I wanted was a three day trip away, but it was ivy league and I knew it wasn't happening. The school I want is fifteen hours away, which sounds pretty reasonable to me. Some kids go across the country to escape; I'm just going across the region.

Anyway, I'm going to fight this. I have to win.

Aha!

I remembered!

I completely missed the anniversary of this blog! It was February 4. Yea, I'm a little late. So anyway, happy anniversary!