I FINALLY GOT THE POEMS POSTED!!!
Sooo...you should definitely go read them. That is all :)
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Things left unsaid...
In life, there are things we leave unsaid. We either forget them or we regret them. Here I am, at the end of sophomore year, and there are things I have left unsaid. Even though I know they will never read this, I also know that years from now, I will look back and regret holding everything in.
To my best friend:
I've always been a little jealous of your ease with people and I've always wished I could be more like you. But, I know that if I were any different, I wouldn't have you as my best friend.
To my ex:
You and I had something special. You showed me that I can be worth something. And you reminded me what it feels like to be loved. You became my best (guy) friend and also my greatest enemy. You are a danger to my sanity. I'm abrasive and violent and angry and depressed and indecisive. I'm terrified to show my emotions and I don't let anyone in. Yet, still, you love me. You're whiny and emotional and the biggest flirt. You infuriate me beyond all means. But, you understand me. And I will always remember the night I broke down outside your house and you stood there and comforted me. I told you I don't love you anymore. I lied. And if I do ever fall in love with someone, a part of me will always love you.
To my grandparents:
Thank you. You took me in and raised me, and for that I'm grateful. I love you, even if I don't like you. My grandpa, I love you, and I know you're only passing along The Warden's messages. My grandma, I love you, but I really can't stand you. There's a reason I nicknamed you The Warden. You're rude, you have no capacity for human feeling, nothing's right unless it's your way, and I seriously think you need to chill. And, I am not fat, no matter what you say.
To my father:
I love you. I hate what you've done and I know I'll never forget. And I'll try to forgive you. But, I will never respect you. I'm sorry, but you lost that right. Never again will you be my protector or knight in shining armor. Because of you, no one can do that. Because of you, no one can save me. Because of you, only I can save myself.
To my mother:
I love you. I hate what you've done. I hate that I'm the one who has to protect you. I've forgiven you, but I can't respect you. I'm sorry.
To my parents:
I love you. I hate what you've done. I hate that I never got to be a kid. I hate that I always had to take care of you. I hate that neither of you were ever there for me. I hate that I had to take care of myself. I hate that my ex-stepdad beat me. I hate that you didn't care, Mom. I hate that you molested me, Dad. I hate that I can't tell anyone. I hate that you're a whore, Mom. I hate that, even though you've changed, I will never trust you, Dad. I hate that I never had real parents. I hate that I'll never be able to truly let myself fall in love. I hate that I'll never be able to fully let myself go. I hate that I'll always be waiting for the day that I'll wake up to find that everyone's left me. I hate that it's all your fault. Both of you.
To my best friend:
I've always been a little jealous of your ease with people and I've always wished I could be more like you. But, I know that if I were any different, I wouldn't have you as my best friend.
To my ex:
You and I had something special. You showed me that I can be worth something. And you reminded me what it feels like to be loved. You became my best (guy) friend and also my greatest enemy. You are a danger to my sanity. I'm abrasive and violent and angry and depressed and indecisive. I'm terrified to show my emotions and I don't let anyone in. Yet, still, you love me. You're whiny and emotional and the biggest flirt. You infuriate me beyond all means. But, you understand me. And I will always remember the night I broke down outside your house and you stood there and comforted me. I told you I don't love you anymore. I lied. And if I do ever fall in love with someone, a part of me will always love you.
To my grandparents:
Thank you. You took me in and raised me, and for that I'm grateful. I love you, even if I don't like you. My grandpa, I love you, and I know you're only passing along The Warden's messages. My grandma, I love you, but I really can't stand you. There's a reason I nicknamed you The Warden. You're rude, you have no capacity for human feeling, nothing's right unless it's your way, and I seriously think you need to chill. And, I am not fat, no matter what you say.
To my father:
I love you. I hate what you've done and I know I'll never forget. And I'll try to forgive you. But, I will never respect you. I'm sorry, but you lost that right. Never again will you be my protector or knight in shining armor. Because of you, no one can do that. Because of you, no one can save me. Because of you, only I can save myself.
To my mother:
I love you. I hate what you've done. I hate that I'm the one who has to protect you. I've forgiven you, but I can't respect you. I'm sorry.
To my parents:
I love you. I hate what you've done. I hate that I never got to be a kid. I hate that I always had to take care of you. I hate that neither of you were ever there for me. I hate that I had to take care of myself. I hate that my ex-stepdad beat me. I hate that you didn't care, Mom. I hate that you molested me, Dad. I hate that I can't tell anyone. I hate that you're a whore, Mom. I hate that, even though you've changed, I will never trust you, Dad. I hate that I never had real parents. I hate that I'll never be able to truly let myself fall in love. I hate that I'll never be able to fully let myself go. I hate that I'll always be waiting for the day that I'll wake up to find that everyone's left me. I hate that it's all your fault. Both of you.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Breathe
I. Can't. Breathe. I just got up the courage to ask the guy why he wrote I'm sorry on that poem and why he changed his mind before. And he told me. I needed to hear it, but I'm still having trouble breathing. Not from his answers, but from asking him at all. I'm glad I finally got my answers, but a part of me wants to go back to the security of not knowing...
Blaaargh-a-freakin-phlaaargh-a-mus!!!
Soo...last Friday was one month. I forgot to post. Haha.
Sigh. People suck. I believe I've posted about the guy I like. And how it's completely stupid of me to like him because he doesn't like me. Last Friday, my Big Happy Cookie Day, he was talking to me about the girl he now likes. She's a freshman, she's pretty, she's not me. Stab. In. The. Gut.
I was talking to one of my friends. She's in the same exact boat as me. She likes a guy who flirts shamelessly with her but likes her best friend. So, we started a club. :)
Anyway, my guy-I-like gave me his writing portfolio to hold on to. I read his stuff (which he'd already read in class) and finally came across the one I was looking for. My birthday poem. On my birthday, I posted about my friend who wrote me a poem for my birthday. I read it and there were parts that were scribbled out. They all hinted at him liking me. Of course...that was back before he changed his mind. And I'm probably just imagining the possibilities. :/
P.S. Sorry my last few posts have been about boys, but what do you expect?
Sigh. People suck. I believe I've posted about the guy I like. And how it's completely stupid of me to like him because he doesn't like me. Last Friday, my Big Happy Cookie Day, he was talking to me about the girl he now likes. She's a freshman, she's pretty, she's not me. Stab. In. The. Gut.
I was talking to one of my friends. She's in the same exact boat as me. She likes a guy who flirts shamelessly with her but likes her best friend. So, we started a club. :)
Anyway, my guy-I-like gave me his writing portfolio to hold on to. I read his stuff (which he'd already read in class) and finally came across the one I was looking for. My birthday poem. On my birthday, I posted about my friend who wrote me a poem for my birthday. I read it and there were parts that were scribbled out. They all hinted at him liking me. Of course...that was back before he changed his mind. And I'm probably just imagining the possibilities. :/
P.S. Sorry my last few posts have been about boys, but what do you expect?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sad face!!! :(
So tomorrow is the last day for seniors. And it's a half day. And the rest of us still have two more weeks before we're out. :(
Upside, it's almost time for my countdown. Next Friday will be one month. I'm not really excited. It's not exactly a huge feat for me. :/
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I got to spend the day with my Mommy and Grandma(the nice one, not the she-devil I live with) :)
Aargh!!! Speaking of the she-devil...
Okay, so I'm in chemistry. Which is a JUNIOR class. I am one of the only TWO sophomores in that class AND I have one of the highest grades. An 88% B. Now, I am freaking PROUD of that B, but according to my delightful grandmother, that makes me a failure. So now, if I don't get all 48 points on this BONUS project, I will be grounded for the foreseeable future. >:|
Upside, it's almost time for my countdown. Next Friday will be one month. I'm not really excited. It's not exactly a huge feat for me. :/
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I got to spend the day with my Mommy and Grandma(the nice one, not the she-devil I live with) :)
Aargh!!! Speaking of the she-devil...
Okay, so I'm in chemistry. Which is a JUNIOR class. I am one of the only TWO sophomores in that class AND I have one of the highest grades. An 88% B. Now, I am freaking PROUD of that B, but according to my delightful grandmother, that makes me a failure. So now, if I don't get all 48 points on this BONUS project, I will be grounded for the foreseeable future. >:|
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"I'm sorry..."
^^^^^^^
That's what he wrote on my paper. As I think I've told you, I like this guy, he told my best friend he liked me, he changed his mind, he started dating this other girl, broke up with her, I had to comfort and talk to her, they got back together, and now I'm stuck pasting a smile on my face whenever I'm around them even though seeing them all happy and couply feels like I'm getting stabbed repeatedly.
So, yea, it's not exactly a pleasant experience for me. But I fake happy because, even though I'd rather drink bleach than have to watch them kiss and hug and be all cute, I want him to be happy, which he is.
But anyway, back to the real story. In Creative Writing, we have these free writes, and today's was "I will never forget you". I wrote mine about him. I mean, it COULD'VE been about anyone. But it was about him. I read it, then went to talk to one of my friends. When I came back, he'd written "I'm sorry..." underneath the poem.
I'm trying to figure out why he said that. He had no reason to apologize. And I'm talking to him right now, but I'm too scared to ask. :/
That's what he wrote on my paper. As I think I've told you, I like this guy, he told my best friend he liked me, he changed his mind, he started dating this other girl, broke up with her, I had to comfort and talk to her, they got back together, and now I'm stuck pasting a smile on my face whenever I'm around them even though seeing them all happy and couply feels like I'm getting stabbed repeatedly.
So, yea, it's not exactly a pleasant experience for me. But I fake happy because, even though I'd rather drink bleach than have to watch them kiss and hug and be all cute, I want him to be happy, which he is.
But anyway, back to the real story. In Creative Writing, we have these free writes, and today's was "I will never forget you". I wrote mine about him. I mean, it COULD'VE been about anyone. But it was about him. I read it, then went to talk to one of my friends. When I came back, he'd written "I'm sorry..." underneath the poem.
I'm trying to figure out why he said that. He had no reason to apologize. And I'm talking to him right now, but I'm too scared to ask. :/
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Forever
It has been FOREVER since I've posted. And I feel bad about that. But, I'm back now. :)
I still don't have much to say, but I thought I'd better post again before too much time has passed. By the way, I'd like to say an early Happy Cinco de Mayo! May 5...I may never understand the importance of this holiday, but it is a holiday nonetheless, and shall be celebrated as such. :D
In case I haven't told you (I could go back and check, but I'm too lazy), I am single again. It's a long bloody story so I won't go into it. But, May 21 will be Month One of Singleness. :)
That's pretty much all I have to say.....Mother's Day is this Sunday and I get to see my Mommy. Yay :)
Adios!
I still don't have much to say, but I thought I'd better post again before too much time has passed. By the way, I'd like to say an early Happy Cinco de Mayo! May 5...I may never understand the importance of this holiday, but it is a holiday nonetheless, and shall be celebrated as such. :D
In case I haven't told you (I could go back and check, but I'm too lazy), I am single again. It's a long bloody story so I won't go into it. But, May 21 will be Month One of Singleness. :)
That's pretty much all I have to say.....Mother's Day is this Sunday and I get to see my Mommy. Yay :)
Adios!
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