I hate fourth of July.

As a holiday, I can appreciate it. I support our troops, yadda yadda…but this whole “family time” crap is killing me. My great grandma used to make these snack things and my grandma is always telling me how I don’t think of anyone but myself, so I decided this year I would make the snacks. But my grandma said she didn’t want me anywhere near the kitchen because she was cooking too many things and there were too many people in there already.

I could have accepted that, except for the fact that she was the only one in the kitchen and she wasn’t even using the oven. As I pointed that out, my little cousin promptly runs in exclaiming that she wants to make brownies.

How did my grandma respond? “Why, of course you can make brownies!”

Efffffffff.

Summerrrrrr

Hmm...let's just jump right in.

My first church camp went really well. I made friends with a homeless guy. He was only 20. He told me his life story and it just really made me think, life's messed up. But this guy talked like it wasn't the end of the world for him. Like he accepted his life and was gonna get back to the top some day. He was very cool.

This week we're at the beach. It's going pretty good so far. I got pretty burned the first day, but it was worth it. I grabbed a jellyfish today. Really freaked me out.

And next week I go to Mo. Abbie's going this year. I really hope she enjoys it :)

And two weeks after that, band camp starts. It feels like life is going by so fast. My sister's doing guard with me this year. And I'm a senior. In a month I'll be filling out college applications and planing out the rest of my life. It's unreal...

Been a while...

It's been a month or so and here I am, back at the computer, talking to the world. Well, the invisible world of nobody. Anyway, I suppose I could fill everyone (anyone) in on recent events.
-Junior year is finally over and I am officially a senior!
-I think my dad and I have come to some sort of...I don't know. But it's a lot less tense.
-My grandpa and I have come to a not so silent agreement. He bet me a hundred bucks that he can be more polite to me than I could be to him. Easy money for me! (The morning before, he told me I wasn't even getting in to college because I'm making Bs.)
-Pookah is Satanic and adorable, as per usual.
-I think I've decided on Mississippi State, but I'm still stuck between there and Baylor. (Opposite ends of the spectrum, I know.)

I think that's about it. We kicked off the summer with a party Tuesday afternoon and right now we're on the road to a family reunion on the lake. Maybe I'll be back soon, but I make no promises.

Adios!

Dear caretakers.

You know, I really wish I could be an actual person. Instead, I'm forced to fit into this perfect space in their giant jigsaw puzzle of freaking life. But they don't get that they trying to squeeze me into this itty bitty space and I just don't fit. Or rather, they get it; they just refuse to accept it. So they keep ripping off pieces of who I am. But they'll just keep ripping me until there's nothing left.
I'm sorry I'm not little enough.
I'm sorry I don't have any given talent for you to show off.
I'm sorry I don't make straight A's.
I'm sorry I have opinions that differ from yours.
I'm sorry I can't be 100% happy 24/7.
I'm sorry I can't be perfect for you.

But most of all, I'm sorry you can't see.



See, I painted this. When I showed it to you, you said it was "nice". But you didn't get it. You didn't get what I was trying to tell you. She has flawless skin because you won't accept anything but perfection. She has no mouth because you took away her voice. She has no body because no matter what she does, it will never be skinny enough for you. And yet, she cries. Because she's still not good enough. I'll never be good enough, will I?

You know, (well, actually, you don't) all I've had today are two doughnuts. And I have to figure out how to work those off here in a bit. That's pretty messed up. But you'll never know how hard I work at this, because you'll accuse me of being sick. Ha. Maybe I am sick. But I can't tell you that. You'll send me to another therapist. But it won't work. You know why? Two reasons.

One. Therapists can't be trusted. They'll tell you all my secrets. Everything. And then you'll know more about me than I care for you know. I've taken care of myself for the past seventeen years. I don't need you jumping in now just because you feel guilty. Spare me.

Two. I'll go twice before you start telling me I'm not REALLY screwed up. That it's all an act. That I'm wasting your precious money. Just like you did before.

So I think I'll stick to blogging. And in a year, I'll go off to college. And I hope you have fun when I come home, stay at a friend's house, and not even tell you I'm back. You'll see me in Brookshire's maybe. And I might smile and wave. And I hope you realize how lucky you are that I'm not the one who decides where you'll live when you're too old to take care of yourself.

P.S. Have you ever wondered why one of your kids lives ten hours away and the other one doesn't like to call or come over? Have you ever wondered why I keep talking about going to college as far away as possible? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, it's because you're doing something wrong???

Ohmygoodnessithasbeenawhile!!!

I haven't posted in about a month. But, truth be told, not a whole lot has happened. I could talk about the situation in Libya, but I honestly don't care. I could talk about Japan but, other than that I'm hoping for things to get better, I have nothing to say. I'd like to avoid talking about my stupid girl drama...but this blog is supposed to be my catharsis. I'll talk about whatever I feel like talking about. Currently, I have no need to blog my thoughts. I'm trying a new thing where I "blog" it all out on a sheet of paper and drop it in the hall. It's nice. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base. Have a nice...life, I suppose. Adios.

Ah, my wonderful grandparents...

They would rather me go to a college costing forty thousand a year than one costing thirty thousand simply because it's closer. I swear, it's like they're afraid I won't come back. Granted, no part of me WANTS to come back, but I will anyway. It's insanity. I'm hoping I can dredge up enough charm to change their minds, but if I can't, I'll have to come up with another way. I just can't stay here. I need to get out, go somewhere no one knows my name, have a chance to be myself for once in my life. But I can't do that four or five hours away. There's too much of a chance that I'll run into someone I know. I can't have that. The school I wanted was a three day trip away, but it was ivy league and I knew it wasn't happening. The school I want is fifteen hours away, which sounds pretty reasonable to me. Some kids go across the country to escape; I'm just going across the region.

Anyway, I'm going to fight this. I have to win.

Aha!

I remembered!

I completely missed the anniversary of this blog! It was February 4. Yea, I'm a little late. So anyway, happy anniversary!

Always Managing to Botch Things Up

Haha so I was looking through old posts and realized that I never corrected Pookah's gender. Pookah's a boy. My bad.

This afternoon we all went to the Boardwalk (outdoor shopping mall type deal). It was A and her boyfriend, P and her should-be boyfriend, and me and my brother. P was kind of upset I think. She wouldn't hang out with us at all; just kept standing around with her should-be. But at least she looked happier with him.

I think I'm getting over my freakishly insane jealousy of A because we were laughing today like nothing was wrong. I'm not out of the woods, yet; I'm still feeling it. It's disgusting and terrible and dumb, but I can't seem to help it. She's great at everything. She can sing, dance, act, write, and everyone instantly loves her. I used to look at her and start to get jealous, but I made it go away by thinking, "Hey, at least I have writing." But then she decided that she wanted to write, too. Guess what? She's better. And on top of that, everyone instantly loves her. Children, other teenagers, adults...everyone. But, I talked to her last night. I hope it'll help.

While I was typing that whole mess, I completely forgot what I was going to say next. Oh well. It'll come to me later. Buenas noches!

P.S.

I put up my new poems. Go read :)

Opinion #5

Suicide.

Is it right? Is it wrong?

Some people will tell you that yes, it is wrong. It is the ultimate act of selfishness and you will go to Hell. But I don't think so.

It's true that 1 Corinthians 3:17 says, "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple." But what if:

What if you were terminally ill? what if your family was wasting their time and money trying to care for you, knowing that you were going to die? What if you're in so much pain and it's never going to stop? Is it still wrong?

I don't think suicide is wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating it. But, coming from someone who's been on that road, I think it's your choice. You should get to decide whether your life is worth living.

Opinion #4

"Bailout & Bull"

I recently watched a program with my English class called "Bailout & Bull". This is basically my review.

"...worst since the Great Depression." -Obama
"crisis... unprecedented." -Obama

He's saying this economical crisis is worse than the Great Depression. Then, he says it's unprecedented. Maybe our president needs to go back to school because the last time I checked, "unprecedented" means we haven't seen anything like it before. So which is it, Mr. Pres?

"...worse than the Great Depression..."

Bull. During the Great Depression, unemployment rates were 25%. In 2008, they were 8.7%. Of course, no one remembers twenty seven years ago when the unemployment rates were 11%.

So what is the miracle solution that will save us all? Stimulus. Yes, in order to get us out of debt, we will spend more money. Because that makes perfect sense. According to the experts, that's dumb. Every economy goes through these ups and downs. It's like the checks and balances of life.

So what's the right thing to do? Turn and face the storm head on? Or keep running until we fall flat on our faces?

Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Although, I guess that's one of the good things about no one reading this stuff. I don't have to post all the time. I actually have a new poem or two and two subjects I want to post on. But, my notebook's in the car and there's a kitten lying on top of me. So, I'll do it later. For now, I'd like to take a moment to catch you nonexistent people on what's been up with me.

I broke up with my boyfriend. I told everyone it just wasn't working out, but really, I think I just got bored. That sounds awful, I know, but who says I'm so great anyway?

I'm working on my self esteem. I don't know how it's working so far, but judging from the way I currently feel, I'd say not so well.

I feel like I have almost no friends. I have A, when she wants me. But most of the time, I feel like she's leaving me out. (There will be a poem in there about that.) I have P, and lately it seems like she's the only one I really have. She's actually the only one who still talks to me outside from the basic, fake, "What's up?" I generally get from anyone else. I have my brother, but...he's my brother. I know I'll always have him. There's D, but I really only talk to him at school. B hugs me, but that's it. K eats lunch with us, but that's it. G still ignores me, but I don't even care about him anymore. And T was a great friend to listen to, but I'm starting to realize how much of a jerk he really is. And there's Blake and Andrew. I actually wish they were here. Why is it that the people who actually talk to me and seem to care DON'T live anywhere near me. Sigh. (Sorry most of them are just initials, but in case they might actually read this, I'd prefer it if they didn't know I was talking about them.)

Pookah is the cutest demon cat you've ever seen. He bites and scratches almost nonstop, but he's always happy to see me and he always runs to greet me. I love him to bits.

I guess I'm just feeling crazy again. I'll see if I can get out to the car to get my notebook, but I make no promises.

Disgust/Rant

I feel disgusting. Apparently eating is a crime. I ate three hors dourves (I don't know if that's spelled right) and he jumped all over me. "The new scales only go up a few hundred pounds, you know." I am NOT by any means fat. Or I din't think so. But apparently three bites sized things make me a porker. Fabulous. Why are people like that? Even if I was big, there's still no need to make me feel bad about it. But whatever. Guess I'm skipping dinner. Maybe breakfast. I guess this week's been kind of a waste of progress, huh? Finally get me eating regularly and BAM! there it goes. Thanks Gramps...

Opinion #3

Mistakes.

We all make them. So why do we judge people so harshly when they make them?

There's this girl in band and for some reason everyone seems to hate her. She's sweet. So I don't know why they're so mean. They say she does stuff with guys like she's some common whore. But she doesn't do anything. This morning they all crowded around the doors this morning and, when she walked in, they all pointed and yelled, "You're nastyyyyyyy!!!" She cried all morning and when I went to see her at lunch she was alone in a dark practice room, crying. No one deserves that. No one.

And the funny thing is, most of those guys have dated her. And they've done worse than what they're saying she does. So what do they think gives them the right to judge her and be mean to her?

Christmas Shopping :)

So tonight is the flagline Christmas party and we always have secret santas. I got my girl a build a bear dressed in Star Wars attire, dark chocolate, and a spanish-english dictionary. I heard that this one girl that EVERYONE hates refused to be a part of the gift exchange because she didn't want someone to get her something bad that they knew she would hate. Now, I'm nice to this girl and I actually like her. So I couldn't let her sit there empty handed while everyone was opening their presents. I got her a gift card to a sandwich place she likes and a picture taken of us at a football game earlier this year.
Anyway, this afternoon I had to go get the gift card for her. I took Pookah with me and on the way home she managed to attach herself to my seat. At a red light this girl in the next car over saw her and started laughing and trying to get her mom to look. I think Pookah made a good impression. :)
Today I learned that she LOVES electrical cords and wrapping paper. Haha she's napping in my lap and twitching. I love this cat. <3

Opinion #2

Religion.

Why can there only be one "right" religion? What exactly is a "wrong" religion? Why can't we all be right? I think that there really is only one God; we just call Him by a different name. That doesn't make it wrong. That makes it life. If everyone thought the same exact way and believed the same exact thing, the world would be a very dull place.

And since when did it become okay to judge an entire group of people for a smaller, barely related group doing something wrong? The Taliban bombed us. Nine years ago. So when they want to build a mosque just a little way away from the bomb site, everyone goes crazy! Blaming the Muslims for everything and basically telling them to eff off. I'm sorry, maybe I'm confused here, but what exactly did Muslims do to us? Oh that's right, NOTHING! So what if members of the Taliban happened to be Muslim? That doesn't make the whole religion terrible. That just means a select group of them made a terrible mistake. Don't you think other people in the Muslim religion felt ashamed of them too? Now let's think really hard here, kids. What was another situation where one group of people blamed an entire religion for all the bad stuff? Ohhh, yea. It was that little thing called The Holocaust. And that group that discriminated against that religion...weren't they considered bad people and strongly frowned upon? Yes, I do believe they were. Hmmm...I'm sensing some deja vu here...

So what does that make us? Just like them. And if we're just like those people, how do you think the rest of the world views us? How do you think our fore-fathers would feel about their country, a country founded on the belief that all men are created equal and that everyone has the right to their own religion? Do you think they'd be proud?

I know what you're thinking. "But, we're NOT like them! They killed the Jews! We don't kill Muslims! Yadda yadda yadda..." WRONG! We are just like them, whether you want to believe it or not. Yes, they killed them. But don't we kill them too when we ostracize them? Don't we kill them when we shout "Bomb!" at them or call them terrorists? I think we do.

And, you know, The Nazi's didn't think they were doing anything wrong either. They didn't see how they were the ones destroying their country, not the Jews. So maybe instead of pointing fingers all the time, we should take a look in the mirror.

Pookah :D

I got a kitten yesterday and named her Pookah. For anyone who remembers the movie Anastasia, Pookah is the name of the dog. It's my favorite movie. :D

Writing = Cathartic

So I wrote another poem today. It's about society's image of perfection and how it can really hurt someone. I'm putting it on the poetry page, so if you invisible people out there feel like it, you should go read it. :)

Opinion #1

Homosexuality.
What's wrong with it? Why is being gay so frowned upon in our society?
My guard instructor is gay. I've talked to him, hung out with him, even met his boyfriend. And there's nothing even slightly wrong with him.
Two of my friends were talking about what they would do if their kid was gay. They said they would disown them and kick them out.
How could someone do that? How could someone be so cruel? How can they call themselves Christian when they can't accept someone for who they are?
Well that conversation started a snowball effect with me. I began asking everyone I knew the question. What would they do if they're child was gay?
The answers appalled me. Only two people agreed with me. Everyone else saw homosexuality as something hideous to be shied away from.
I can't imagine it. If my child was gay, I would support them and continue to love them unconditionally. If we expect to be accepted for who we are, then who are we to judge so harshly? What gives us the right to discriminate anyone else?
I just don't understand society..

Well don't I sound bad...

So I just looked over all of my posts. They all seem to be about boys, stupid fights, or other depressing awfulness. I sound like either a b word or one of those girls who's half of a nauseatingly cute couples. I've always promised I wouldn't be like that. This blog wasn't supposed to be about that.
So now I'm making a promise to myself. I'm going to be happy. Granted, there will probably be frustrated, sad, angry, and even some cute posts. I'm a girl. What do you expect? But I'd like if they were actually about something. My views. My beliefs. My opinions.
So starting now, I'm going to be happier. :)