Disgust/Rant

I feel disgusting. Apparently eating is a crime. I ate three hors dourves (I don't know if that's spelled right) and he jumped all over me. "The new scales only go up a few hundred pounds, you know." I am NOT by any means fat. Or I din't think so. But apparently three bites sized things make me a porker. Fabulous. Why are people like that? Even if I was big, there's still no need to make me feel bad about it. But whatever. Guess I'm skipping dinner. Maybe breakfast. I guess this week's been kind of a waste of progress, huh? Finally get me eating regularly and BAM! there it goes. Thanks Gramps...

Opinion #3

Mistakes.

We all make them. So why do we judge people so harshly when they make them?

There's this girl in band and for some reason everyone seems to hate her. She's sweet. So I don't know why they're so mean. They say she does stuff with guys like she's some common whore. But she doesn't do anything. This morning they all crowded around the doors this morning and, when she walked in, they all pointed and yelled, "You're nastyyyyyyy!!!" She cried all morning and when I went to see her at lunch she was alone in a dark practice room, crying. No one deserves that. No one.

And the funny thing is, most of those guys have dated her. And they've done worse than what they're saying she does. So what do they think gives them the right to judge her and be mean to her?

Christmas Shopping :)

So tonight is the flagline Christmas party and we always have secret santas. I got my girl a build a bear dressed in Star Wars attire, dark chocolate, and a spanish-english dictionary. I heard that this one girl that EVERYONE hates refused to be a part of the gift exchange because she didn't want someone to get her something bad that they knew she would hate. Now, I'm nice to this girl and I actually like her. So I couldn't let her sit there empty handed while everyone was opening their presents. I got her a gift card to a sandwich place she likes and a picture taken of us at a football game earlier this year.
Anyway, this afternoon I had to go get the gift card for her. I took Pookah with me and on the way home she managed to attach herself to my seat. At a red light this girl in the next car over saw her and started laughing and trying to get her mom to look. I think Pookah made a good impression. :)
Today I learned that she LOVES electrical cords and wrapping paper. Haha she's napping in my lap and twitching. I love this cat. <3

Opinion #2

Religion.

Why can there only be one "right" religion? What exactly is a "wrong" religion? Why can't we all be right? I think that there really is only one God; we just call Him by a different name. That doesn't make it wrong. That makes it life. If everyone thought the same exact way and believed the same exact thing, the world would be a very dull place.

And since when did it become okay to judge an entire group of people for a smaller, barely related group doing something wrong? The Taliban bombed us. Nine years ago. So when they want to build a mosque just a little way away from the bomb site, everyone goes crazy! Blaming the Muslims for everything and basically telling them to eff off. I'm sorry, maybe I'm confused here, but what exactly did Muslims do to us? Oh that's right, NOTHING! So what if members of the Taliban happened to be Muslim? That doesn't make the whole religion terrible. That just means a select group of them made a terrible mistake. Don't you think other people in the Muslim religion felt ashamed of them too? Now let's think really hard here, kids. What was another situation where one group of people blamed an entire religion for all the bad stuff? Ohhh, yea. It was that little thing called The Holocaust. And that group that discriminated against that religion...weren't they considered bad people and strongly frowned upon? Yes, I do believe they were. Hmmm...I'm sensing some deja vu here...

So what does that make us? Just like them. And if we're just like those people, how do you think the rest of the world views us? How do you think our fore-fathers would feel about their country, a country founded on the belief that all men are created equal and that everyone has the right to their own religion? Do you think they'd be proud?

I know what you're thinking. "But, we're NOT like them! They killed the Jews! We don't kill Muslims! Yadda yadda yadda..." WRONG! We are just like them, whether you want to believe it or not. Yes, they killed them. But don't we kill them too when we ostracize them? Don't we kill them when we shout "Bomb!" at them or call them terrorists? I think we do.

And, you know, The Nazi's didn't think they were doing anything wrong either. They didn't see how they were the ones destroying their country, not the Jews. So maybe instead of pointing fingers all the time, we should take a look in the mirror.

Pookah :D

I got a kitten yesterday and named her Pookah. For anyone who remembers the movie Anastasia, Pookah is the name of the dog. It's my favorite movie. :D

Writing = Cathartic

So I wrote another poem today. It's about society's image of perfection and how it can really hurt someone. I'm putting it on the poetry page, so if you invisible people out there feel like it, you should go read it. :)

Opinion #1

Homosexuality.
What's wrong with it? Why is being gay so frowned upon in our society?
My guard instructor is gay. I've talked to him, hung out with him, even met his boyfriend. And there's nothing even slightly wrong with him.
Two of my friends were talking about what they would do if their kid was gay. They said they would disown them and kick them out.
How could someone do that? How could someone be so cruel? How can they call themselves Christian when they can't accept someone for who they are?
Well that conversation started a snowball effect with me. I began asking everyone I knew the question. What would they do if they're child was gay?
The answers appalled me. Only two people agreed with me. Everyone else saw homosexuality as something hideous to be shied away from.
I can't imagine it. If my child was gay, I would support them and continue to love them unconditionally. If we expect to be accepted for who we are, then who are we to judge so harshly? What gives us the right to discriminate anyone else?
I just don't understand society..

Well don't I sound bad...

So I just looked over all of my posts. They all seem to be about boys, stupid fights, or other depressing awfulness. I sound like either a b word or one of those girls who's half of a nauseatingly cute couples. I've always promised I wouldn't be like that. This blog wasn't supposed to be about that.
So now I'm making a promise to myself. I'm going to be happy. Granted, there will probably be frustrated, sad, angry, and even some cute posts. I'm a girl. What do you expect? But I'd like if they were actually about something. My views. My beliefs. My opinions.
So starting now, I'm going to be happier. :)

Looking up. Sort of..

I guess things are looking up. I have great friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and a family I can actually get along with. So why am I not happy?

My friends and I worked everything out. My boyfriend treats me well. I haven't fought with my family in awhile. I guess I'm just conflicted.
One of my guy friends is being nice to me for the first time...ever. He actually talks to me, he hasn't hit me in a few weeks, and he actually gave me a hug. He never talks to me unless he needs something, and even then I'm a last resort. So why the sudden change?
I think my relationship problem may spring from my lack of communication skills. I just get scared and want to run away, but I know I can't. I have to be a big girl now.

Ah, Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is just around the corner. I can't wait. I love Christmas. The decorations, the cold, just the entire mood Christmas holds is amazing. If I were one of those bloggers who gets involved with they're readers, I might ask what you want for Christmas. But, then I have to remember that I don't have any readers. I know I could fix that, but I kind of like the security of knowing no one reads my thoughts. That's what this is; my mind poured into this webpage, all for no one to read.

Ohmygoodness...

It has been a long time. A very long time indeed. I don't even remember my last post. Sorry. :/

You know what sucks? Having a problem with communication. Because it tends to cause problems with your friends, family, and/or boyfriend.

You know what else sucks? Hyping yourself up for the biggest game of the year. And losing.

Or having one of your best friends stop speaking to you because she can't have you all to yourself.

Or having a billion different people all pulling at you to do something for them.

Or having every single one of your friends viewing you as a personal taxi service. Except that you don't get paid.

Or having your dad forget about you. And not even apologize.

Or having your mom show up to every football game/band event drunk. And getting arrested for it.

Or having your band director pull you aside to talk to you about your drunk mother.


That's a lot of suck, my friends. A whole lot of suck just chillin right there. Such is life, I suppose.

On the bright side, band got grand champs last week at one of our competitions. The other...well we didn't expect much there. And they didn't let us down, haha.

And it's been a month and a half with this guy. I hope it lasts. But, you know what I say about hope.

I guess I'm being cynical today, but I've been like this since last night. I'll try to post more. But then again, who's going to read it anyway?

Finally!

Apparently blogger hated me for a while, but we're all good now. :D
Tomorrow's the twenty-first. Not that it matters anymore. My countdown is over.
We're doing well, I guess. I mean, I really like him and all that jazz, but sometimes that panicky anxious feeling shows up and I start to feel trapped and I have a strong urge to break up with him. And he doesn't even do anything. He's wonderful. I just can't help it. And I can't tell him about it because I don't want to scare him. Which sounds lame, I know, but it's true. And besides, the feelings pass. Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm!!!!
Anyway. I'm in love. With a school. I started looking at colleges recently and I really want to go to Brown. It's amazing. Great academics, new people, ALL FOUR SEASONS, and it's far away from here. I. Am. In. Love. <3

P.S.

I just realized that I was bitter in my last post and figured I should clear that up.

1. My great grandmother did pass away. Two weeks ago. And I swear, if I have to hear, "I'm so sorry for your loss." Or, "She was a wonderful lady and you're in my thoughts." one more time, I'm going to lose it. I. Hate. Sympathy. I mean, it's okay the first day or so. But two weeks later? No thanks.

2. My dog did die. Last Friday. Sad. I miss her. But I'm still a cat person so I'm not too torn up about it. Which makes me feel bad.

3. I talked to my best friend about her ditching me. She said she'll try to do better.

4. The guy? He got to know what it feels like to be forgotten. He decided he'd rather be friends.

5. When I realized he wasn't worth my time, I met some new people. One of which is now my boyfriend.

6. Homecoming is too far away to even bother with.

7. My smile is a little less than fake now. :)

Five months and twelve days: The end

This past weekend we went on a band trip to Dallas. We did really well for it being so early in the season. Sunday we went to Six Flags where I hung out with my BOYFRIEND. Yes, you read right.
But it feels like my happiness is coming at a price. My friend and her boyfriend might have broken up. Not because of me. I just feel kind of guilty for being happy when she's so depressed.

Among other things, I love watching old movies from when I was a kid. And I love October. It marks the beginning of fall and it brings Halloween. And most of our contests are in October. And the leaves change color. And I think it just might be my favorite month.

Ooh! I got my ACT scores back. Now keep in mind that I was sick that day and it was my first time taking it and I really didn't try that hard. I GOT A 26!!! I'm excited. I have to take it again, though. And again and again and again. At least until I reach the thirties. :D

And now back to fluffy pillows, soft Six Flags animals, and old Disney Channel movies (Halloweentown) Adios, mi amigos. Hasta luego!

Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

Frustration.

Rather than use up any energy I have to sarcastically rant about how much people suck, I'm just going to list everything that is wrong.

1. My great grandmother is dying. Like, any second.
2. My dog is dying. Like, any day.
3. My best friend seems to be forgetting me.
4. She's forgetting me in favor of another guy. (Not dating him, just best friends with him)
5. The guy she's forgetting me for? Happens to be the one I like.
6. Last night at homecoming I had to stomach watching them slow dance. And watching him dance with someone else. And listen to all of our mutual friends ask me why I didn't go dance with him. All while I stood there all alone.
7. I still have to fake a smile as all of the above came crashing down around me.


Yes. And to top it all off, Tuesday will be five months of singleness. I'm excited because it's an achievement. I'm displeased because it feels like life is laughing in my face. Greatttttt...


Oops. I think I'm starting to sound bitter. Better leave before I start to get cynical too.

Homecoming Week!

Jerseys, nerds, celebrities, seventies, formal wear, and beautiful dresses...
IT'S HOMECOMING WEEK!
I have the dress. I have the shoes. I have the mum. I have no date.
I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm down-right excited. No stress? Sounds great. Plus, I get to chill during the slow songs. So it all works out. :)

News news news

First off, Saturday was four months and It was fantastic. My friend had her birthday party that day and a 40 foot water slide was included. We played King of the Hill and, naturally, I fought the guys. So I'm dead sore. But it was soooo fun.

And then the sad part. My brother's friend just passed away. I didn't know him, but he and my brother was close for a while. And my brother blames himself for losing touch when he moved. Obviously it isn't his fault, but he's distressed. I'm worried about him. And I feel so bad for that boys family. It makes you stop and think how limited time is. And it makes me realize that I don't want to waste a moment on doubt.

2 Days!

So there are only two days until I get four months. And my best friend is getting me a mini cheesecake instead of a cookie. Her birthday party is the same day anddddddd there's going to be a huge slide. Like a bouncy slide. But huge. She's calling it her sour sixteen. Which I love. And the heat is letting up, so band isn't as miserable. And that is all. :D

Grrrrrrr

You know what irks me? When people suddenly decide to ignore you for three weeks with no explanation. And when you find out it's because they have a new girlfriend...well it kinda makes me want to throat punch them. AND THEN, when they break up with the girl and suddenly decide they can be friends with you again...well that one really irritates me.
So one of my friends decided he didn't wanna talk to me anymore. Because he was dating another one of my friends. And when he broke up with her, he tried to talk to me again. Let's just say I wasn't interested.

Anyway. Band camp was brutal. It was in the hundreds every day. But now that school's started, we only have afternoon practice. But, it's still miserably hot.

Oh! And this coming Saturday is the twenty-first, and we all know what that means...FOUR MONTHS! :D

So, in the spirit of the countdown, SIX DAYS!

Back to school

So band camp ended yesterday and I am proud to say that for the first time EVER, we put on the entire opener during camp. Yay!!!
Other than that, there's not really too much going on. Just thought I'd revisit the blog for once :)
School starts Wednesday and, here's another first, I'm getting a dress. Wish me luck on that one ._.

Thirteen days until four months :)

Wasted emotions...

As I think I've mentioned before, hope is a wasted emotion. I just can't bring myself to see the point in getting yourself all psyched about something, only to get disappointed later on. And yet, this false hope continues to plague me. Why can't I just let this go? I know what the turnout will be, but I can't stop thinking that maybe...just maybe...
But, no. It won't. It didn't then, so why should it now? It won't happen now, so it won't happen in the future.
Aaaagh!!!! I. Hate. False. Hope.

Da da dadah!

Hoorah!
Three months!
I'm dead tired and it hurts to move, but I will celebrate!
I have reached my third month. FINALLY.

So, yea..that was all. :)

Band Camp

So this one time at band camp...
Haha just kidding. Band camp starts tomorrow, making today may last official day of summer. Sigh.
Truth be told, I'm actually excited for camp to start. I'm ready to learn the drill and flag routine. Granted, I'm not excited for the heat, but I'm excited for the show. :)

Three days :)

kfjndgfjdtlkengjtelktjrtjhktjtln

Again, there is the frustrated sound. I can't wait to escape. I feel trapped in this house. My grandparents are insane. I feel insane. I just want to leave this state and start over somewhere else. But that will have to wait until after college. Sigh.

Okay, I'm done venting. All better :)

Reinstating the Countdown

Sound the trumpets! Gather the troops!
I'm reinstating the official countdown.
In ten days, I will be back to where I was before I got stupid. In ten days, I will once again be at a victorious three single months! Since it's such a special occasion, I will not be buying a cookie, but making a batch from scratch. :)
And after eating one or two of those, I'm giving the rest to my church's VBS in apology for not being able to work this year. I generally work in the art room with the kids, but band camp is getting in the way. Sigh. Oh well. :)

Oh my...

I'm in trouble...I went to church camp last week and, even though I reminded myself repeatedly that I do NOT need a relationship, I met someone. But, he lives four and a half hours away...

In other news, I celebrated two months a few weeks ago. I had cookies made from scratch and they were DELICIOUS!

Also, I have been up all night. I witnessed a beautiful sunrise. :)

And, I'm leaving again tomorrow to go on vacation with my best friend. I'm excited :D

AND, my cousin came home. I haven't seen him since last October and he's a Marine. I have a slight obsession with Marines. I'm a happy girl :D :D :D

Happy Fourth of July! :D

Poems.

I FINALLY GOT THE POEMS POSTED!!!
Sooo...you should definitely go read them. That is all :)

Things left unsaid...

In life, there are things we leave unsaid. We either forget them or we regret them. Here I am, at the end of sophomore year, and there are things I have left unsaid. Even though I know they will never read this, I also know that years from now, I will look back and regret holding everything in.

To my best friend:
I've always been a little jealous of your ease with people and I've always wished I could be more like you. But, I know that if I were any different, I wouldn't have you as my best friend.

To my ex:
You and I had something special. You showed me that I can be worth something. And you reminded me what it feels like to be loved. You became my best (guy) friend and also my greatest enemy. You are a danger to my sanity. I'm abrasive and violent and angry and depressed and indecisive. I'm terrified to show my emotions and I don't let anyone in. Yet, still, you love me. You're whiny and emotional and the biggest flirt. You infuriate me beyond all means. But, you understand me. And I will always remember the night I broke down outside your house and you stood there and comforted me. I told you I don't love you anymore. I lied. And if I do ever fall in love with someone, a part of me will always love you.

To my grandparents:
Thank you. You took me in and raised me, and for that I'm grateful. I love you, even if I don't like you. My grandpa, I love you, and I know you're only passing along The Warden's messages. My grandma, I love you, but I really can't stand you. There's a reason I nicknamed you The Warden. You're rude, you have no capacity for human feeling, nothing's right unless it's your way, and I seriously think you need to chill. And, I am not fat, no matter what you say.

To my father:
I love you. I hate what you've done and I know I'll never forget. And I'll try to forgive you. But, I will never respect you. I'm sorry, but you lost that right. Never again will you be my protector or knight in shining armor. Because of you, no one can do that. Because of you, no one can save me. Because of you, only I can save myself.

To my mother:
I love you. I hate what you've done. I hate that I'm the one who has to protect you. I've forgiven you, but I can't respect you. I'm sorry.

To my parents:
I love you. I hate what you've done. I hate that I never got to be a kid. I hate that I always had to take care of you. I hate that neither of you were ever there for me. I hate that I had to take care of myself. I hate that my ex-stepdad beat me. I hate that you didn't care, Mom. I hate that you molested me, Dad. I hate that I can't tell anyone. I hate that you're a whore, Mom. I hate that, even though you've changed, I will never trust you, Dad. I hate that I never had real parents. I hate that I'll never be able to truly let myself fall in love. I hate that I'll never be able to fully let myself go. I hate that I'll always be waiting for the day that I'll wake up to find that everyone's left me. I hate that it's all your fault. Both of you.

Breathe

I. Can't. Breathe. I just got up the courage to ask the guy why he wrote I'm sorry on that poem and why he changed his mind before. And he told me. I needed to hear it, but I'm still having trouble breathing. Not from his answers, but from asking him at all. I'm glad I finally got my answers, but a part of me wants to go back to the security of not knowing...

Blaaargh-a-freakin-phlaaargh-a-mus!!!

Soo...last Friday was one month. I forgot to post. Haha.
Sigh. People suck. I believe I've posted about the guy I like. And how it's completely stupid of me to like him because he doesn't like me. Last Friday, my Big Happy Cookie Day, he was talking to me about the girl he now likes. She's a freshman, she's pretty, she's not me. Stab. In. The. Gut.
I was talking to one of my friends. She's in the same exact boat as me. She likes a guy who flirts shamelessly with her but likes her best friend. So, we started a club. :)
Anyway, my guy-I-like gave me his writing portfolio to hold on to. I read his stuff (which he'd already read in class) and finally came across the one I was looking for. My birthday poem. On my birthday, I posted about my friend who wrote me a poem for my birthday. I read it and there were parts that were scribbled out. They all hinted at him liking me. Of course...that was back before he changed his mind. And I'm probably just imagining the possibilities. :/

P.S. Sorry my last few posts have been about boys, but what do you expect?

Sad face!!! :(

So tomorrow is the last day for seniors. And it's a half day. And the rest of us still have two more weeks before we're out. :(

Upside, it's almost time for my countdown. Next Friday will be one month. I'm not really excited. It's not exactly a huge feat for me. :/

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I got to spend the day with my Mommy and Grandma(the nice one, not the she-devil I live with) :)

Aargh!!! Speaking of the she-devil...
Okay, so I'm in chemistry. Which is a JUNIOR class. I am one of the only TWO sophomores in that class AND I have one of the highest grades. An 88% B. Now, I am freaking PROUD of that B, but according to my delightful grandmother, that makes me a failure. So now, if I don't get all 48 points on this BONUS project, I will be grounded for the foreseeable future. >:|

"I'm sorry..."

^^^^^^^
That's what he wrote on my paper. As I think I've told you, I like this guy, he told my best friend he liked me, he changed his mind, he started dating this other girl, broke up with her, I had to comfort and talk to her, they got back together, and now I'm stuck pasting a smile on my face whenever I'm around them even though seeing them all happy and couply feels like I'm getting stabbed repeatedly.

So, yea, it's not exactly a pleasant experience for me. But I fake happy because, even though I'd rather drink bleach than have to watch them kiss and hug and be all cute, I want him to be happy, which he is.

But anyway, back to the real story. In Creative Writing, we have these free writes, and today's was "I will never forget you". I wrote mine about him. I mean, it COULD'VE been about anyone. But it was about him. I read it, then went to talk to one of my friends. When I came back, he'd written "I'm sorry..." underneath the poem.

I'm trying to figure out why he said that. He had no reason to apologize. And I'm talking to him right now, but I'm too scared to ask. :/

Forever

It has been FOREVER since I've posted. And I feel bad about that. But, I'm back now. :)

I still don't have much to say, but I thought I'd better post again before too much time has passed. By the way, I'd like to say an early Happy Cinco de Mayo! May 5...I may never understand the importance of this holiday, but it is a holiday nonetheless, and shall be celebrated as such. :D

In case I haven't told you (I could go back and check, but I'm too lazy), I am single again. It's a long bloody story so I won't go into it. But, May 21 will be Month One of Singleness. :)

That's pretty much all I have to say.....Mother's Day is this Sunday and I get to see my Mommy. Yay :)

Adios!

DAUDGVUHEHAFEUFGDU

That was my frustrated sound. Why did I make said frustrated sound? Because I'm frustrated. I have a job in my group. If someone has a relationship problem, they come to me. I love this job. I hate this job. I love helping my friends. I hate having to help them when I, myself, cannot maintain a relationship of my own.

This past weekend I went with the band to Panama City, FL. Now, you'd think that, being on the beach, I'd get to relax. WRONG! Thursday I was on the bus all day. Friday I dealt with a prostitute-like girl who can't keep her hands to herself. Saturday I handled that girl's breakup. That night I spent almost an hour and a half with a friend who's boyfriend broke up with her, with me running back and forth trying to straighten things out. Sunday I was stuck on that wretched bus again.

That was the lowlights involving people. Our hotel room was completely dead. The shower literally fell apart and, when fixed, still didn't work properly. There was an ax murderer rapist next door. The floor turned your feet black after two steps. Everything was sticky and damp.

Highlights include:
-Meeting my new Jewish friend :D
-Hanging with my best friends :D
-The beach!!! :D :D :D
-The satisfaction of putting a self righteous hooker in her place. :)

It's a short list, I know. But, it means so much more to me than all of the bad combined X10

:D

Soo...

I know this is odd, but I'm ending the countdown. Now, for anyone who might by chance be reading this, don't sad face or aww just yet.

I'm ending the countdown because I am no longer single.

Now you may commence with the happy face and awee :D

Sadie Hawkins Dance!

So today is my school's Sadie Hawkins Dance. You know, girl asks the guy. Well, last year, my boyfriend had just dumped me. So I didn't have anyone to ask. I went with my two best friends and their boyfriends. That was when I earned my nickname: Fifth Wheel.

This year, I didn't ask anyone. Not because I didn't have anyone to ask, but because I'm a chicken. But I don't mind. I just get to be fifth wheel again. :)

3 days :)

Countdown!!!!

So I actually had FULL INTENTIONS of putting my poems on their respective page, but I'm being lazy. I'm sure I'll get around to it eventually. :)

Six Days!!! :D

Still counting..

I really have nothing to say right now, but I'm making sure to post the countdown days.

Sooo.....

SEVEN DAYS LEFT!!!! :D :D :D

Countdown time!

Okay, so it is once again time to countdown to my cookie. In eight days I will have remained single for three months. While I was tempted and disappointed many times, I'm holding strong right now.

Eight more days! :C :( :/ :) :D

(As for the smileys : ^super sad smiley is because I'm ALWAYS with other couples^
^sorta sad smiley is because I don't particularly enjoy
singleness^
^eh smiley is just because^
^sorta happy smiley is because I feel accomplished^
^super happy smiley is because I GET A COOKIE!!!!!^ )


So long!!

Why?

Why is he such an angry person? I called my dad to ask if my brother and sister were going to the family Easter egg hunt, then asked if he was going to church tomorrow morning. He got all upset and told me he couldn't answer any questions cause he was shopping. Naturally, him being angry with me was upsetting. So I left the room.
Then, my grandpa goes behind my back and calls my dad to get on to him for making me upset, saying that he was being mean.
Of course, I never said Daddy was mean, just angry. So then, he calls me, getting mad that I said he was mean and that I was upset. I tried to calm down enough to tell him that I never said he was mean, just that he sounded upset. So he starts semi-yelling at me, saying that he wasn't mad. I'm sorry, but generally when someone's yelling at me, it leads me to believe that they're angry.

And the thing is...he's always like that. He's alwasy so angry.
I just want to know what I did to make him so mad...

You learn something every day..

Today I was talking to my best friend about how to get rid of this guy I met. She suggested just try acting really really immature or to just tell him it wouldn't work. I jokingly said that maybe I could just go ahead and get a boyfriend. She looked at me and said, "In all sincerity, which do you really think is more likely??"

I didn't think it'd gotten that bad. I didn't think I'd reached the point where even my best friend believed the idea of me having a boyfriend is absurd enough to make it unlikely.

I wanna know why that is? What makes it so unlikely? Why is it absurd?

We can't all find someone in a school of sufficient suckishness.

So you should definitely...

Check out my friends new blog. I was telling my best friend about my blog and she decided to make her own. Basically hers is about the struggles we all face in high school, especially if you don't give in to peer pressure. Anyway, it's new and cool and you should check it out! :D

stayingvirgin-highschool.blogspot.com

In other news... I almost burned my house down this afternoon. For the third time. How, you ask? Well I decided to boil some eggs and went to watch tv while I waited. Now, I completely forgot those eggs after about two minutes. I went back to my room and could soon smell smoke. I went to the kitchen and guess what. The eggs had exploded. Yea... Have you ever tried to scrub burned egg out of a pot? It's not a joyful experience.
I'm beginning to see that maybe I shouldn't cook anymore...

So it's been a while...

I have not posted at all this past week, but I promise I have good reason. Spring break. Enough said. But I'm back now.

Also I know I promised to have my poems posted on the page I put up fr them, but, alas, I am lazy.

I would like to say that last Saturday I got my cookie for staying single for two months, and...it was delicious.

And now I'm leaving to watch the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family. Adios! :)

Sooo...

I learned something important today...I am always right. Don't take that to mean I'm conceited, because I'm not. Just hear me out:

You know how I posted last Thursday about the guy I like? And how he said he like me back? Well, earlier this week, I started doubting it. Which is what I always do. I always overthink the situation and stop believing it. And it usually turns out that I'm right. Anyway, I started doubting that he liked me, and...today my best friend told me that he changed his mind. He doesn't like me anymore. Once again, my pessimistic paranoia has proven me right.


Two days. :(

Hope...

So I don't have much to say, other than hope is a waste of emotion. It sets us up for disappointment. Which sucks. That is all.

Three more days. :/

Climbing.

I'm in the first stages of climbing out of my "life sucks" hole. I'm still so so tired, but I'm not as death-like. Which is good. :/

Four days. :(

Have you ever...

Have you ever thought about giving up? Just letting everything go? No more hope, no more worries, no more love, no more anything. Just taking whatever life throws at you. Maybe that would make everything more bearable. I mean...you would never worry about whether or not the guy you like is interested in you. Or even if he is, you wouldn't worry about him doing anything about it. In fact, there wouldn't be any need to even think about it, because you wouldn't like anyone anyway. It's all pointless anyway. Sooner or later, all good things must come to an end.
I'm pondering giving up. It just feels right. I'm tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of being. Tired of living. Tired of liking. Tired of loving. Tired of hurting. Tired of pretending. I just want to let everything go. I don't want to fake any more smiles. From now on, I'm done.

"Sometimes giving up isn't showing weakness; Sometimes it's being strong enough to walk away." -Someone wise

Six more days. :/

Countdown:)

So last year I dated this guy(the ex who I keep havin drama with). He dumped me(very rudely) on April 5. That summer, I spent almost every waking minute with my best friend and her boyfriend. So, in order to feel better about my singlness, I started to joke about it and even came up with an imaginary boyfriend, as part of the joke(his name is Imaginary-Hypothetical-If, but we shortened it to Rreynoldo). At the end of the summer vacation, I counted back the months to the break-up. Five months. I decided then to make being single a fun experience. So I decided that, for every month of my being single I would get a big cookie. Like how couples celebrate moths of dating, I decided to celebrate months of singlness. For every month, I get a cookie. Every half year, I get a cupcake. Every year, I get a cake and small party. If I get to three years, I get a wedding cake and huge bash. Five years gets me a pony.
Anyway, on the day before my fifth month, that same ex and I got back together. It lasted two and a half months, then it ended. I had another relationship, which lsted a week. So on January 13, I got to start getting big cooies again.
On March 13, I get my second. So, this long-winded explanation was all for me to say that I wil be starting a countdown to said cookie.

Seven more days. :)

You don't have to read this one...

So this whole entry is basically me being super excited for a typical girl reason. I just found out that the guy I like, likes me back. The only problem is that he doesn't want to date right now. (And also that neither of us has actually told the other about it; we found out through a friend.) But, I can see where he's coming from. His last relationship didn't end too well, so I can see why he wouldn't want to date. But, at the same time... (and I feel selfish for this) I am ready to go out with him. I finally settled all the drama with my ex and I'm SOO ready to move on. So now I'm just waiting... :( :/ :) :D

Super concerned...

So this afternoon five kids from my school were in a really bad rollover wreck. I was friends with three of them. They are all okay now, thank God, but one of my friends was stuck in the car and had to be removed by the paramedics. All five of them had to go to the hospital, but didn't have any life threatening injuries. One of them had to stay and should be getting out tomorrow, though. But, she's gonna be okay. So that's really good and everyone here is really really glad they're okay. I guess it just goes to show that you really have to be careful when you drive.

:(

Happy Birthday to Me!

So today is my birthday. Fantastic. Surprisingly, there is absolutely no sarcasm there whatsoever. This has literally been the best birthday of my life. My grandparents got up early and took me to IHOP. We had a sub in my math class. Then, in creative writing, one of my friends wrote me a poem for my birthday. It was really cheesy and really cute at the same time. Easily the highlight of my day. And then, to make it better, I actually got to eat lunch today. (Usually the lines are too long and I have to wait till I go home.) My world geography teacher, usually a complete jerk and the worst kind of person, was sort of nice. And I aced my chemistry test. And then, to top it off, my mom came over and gave me flowers and balloons. They were roses, which I usually don't like, but they were beautiful and I love them because they came from her. And now the day is almost over and I'll sleep with a smile on my face. Oh,and I didn't have to deal with any of the drama with my ex. BONUS!

Note: This kind of optimism from me is rare; enjoy it while it lasts. :)

Right or wrong?

My great grandmother passed away last Tuesday night. She and my great grandfather, who passed seven years ago, owned a lot of land. When my great grandfather died, he set up all of his assets in the LLC. Their four children go to meetings and decide what to do with said assets. My dad grew up on that land and has a natural right to fish and hunt on it. Unfortunately, one of his uncles doesn't want to share the land with him. He'll lease it to friends and to my dad, but all of us here think that isn't right. Why should he have to pay for something that he has a right to? None of it makes any sense, but I can promise that we will get to the bottom of this.

Can't buy me love.

So, with Valentine's Day right around the corner (six days, seven hours, and thirty-one minutes; but who's counting) I'd like to take this opportunity to rant. This is the most bogus holiday ever. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for love (sucker for chick flicks and sappy love stories), but I don't see why we should be expected to buy nice things for that special someone. I don't understand why girls get all worked up over flowers, candy, jewelry, or other stuff like that. Personally, I think that Valentine's Day should be all about spending time with someone; not fretting over the "perfect gift" or pitying people who don't have a valentine. Year after year I see broken hearted girls and guys walk around with no one to share the day with. I've been one of those people. But, you know, it doesn't have to be like that. We can all be happy on Febuary 14, with or without a valentine.
So, this Valentine's Day, I challenge you to be as happy as you can. If you have a valentine, just enjoy spending time with each other and stop worrying about all pressures that come with the day. If you don't, then do something fun for yourself! Go out with other single friends, have a relaxing day to yourself, or spend time with the family.
Remember, Valentine's Day wasn't made to celebrate a naked baby who shoots people with arrows or heart shaped cards and candy and flowers. It was made to celebrate St. Valentine, who's name may or may not represent more than one of the martyred saints of ancient Rome. Just remember that if the holiday's got you down. <3 :)

Thinking..

I've been thinking a lot. A LOT. First, a little about me. I lived in Florida until third grade. Then, I moved here. Okay, now...back to thinking. I hate to think. I don't mean "think" like use my brain, but think about stuff like Florida or my father. Don't get me wrong, my dad's okay and I miss Florida like crazy. But, they both make me sad.
Now, you might be wondering why those things would make me sad. Well, Florida makes me sad because things were so easy back then. Wake up at 6, wake Daddy up, shower, wake Daddy up, get dressed and braid my hair, get breakfast, wake Daddy up, then go to school. I'd go to school and talk to friends. Then, I'd go to my after-school program and play with my best friend until Daddy picked me up. Then, we'd go home, each to our own room. That was how every day went. I miss that. I miss knowing my father, seeing him every day. Now, I'm lucky to even talk to him once a month.
Frankly, though, he terrifies me. Which makes me glad I don't live with him. He can get so angry sometimes. He turns bright right and just explodes. I swear the house shakes. It's not like he'd ever hit us, but sometimes I think that might be more bearable than his words.
Another reason I don't like to think about him and Florida is the women. It seems like every night that wasn't a school night he had a different woman over. I'd wake up, try to say good morning, and see something no 5, 6, or 7 year old should. Then, I'd slip out the door and play with my friends. I hated every one of those women, except for one. She had a daughter. One night, while she was with Daddy, her daughter and I stayed up all night playing video games, the t.v. loud enough to drown out all other sound. After a week or two, that one was gone and another was in her place
Last year, I learned things about him. Things he did. Things he still does. Things no little girl should ever have to grow up around. I can never look at him the same.

Compasses

So, I will admit that I have a slight obsession with compasses. I draw them everywhere. In binders, on scraps of paper, in the margins of my notes, on my shoes; everywhere you look, you can find a compass. I suppose it all started with a book. Titled North of Beautiful, it immediately sparked my interest. It's about a girl with an abusive father and a port-wine stain. A port-wine stain is like a birthmark (sort of). Hers is on her cheek and she hides it beneath layers of make-up, casting it off as an ugly imperfection. Throughout the course of the book, she journeys to find herself, making new friends along the way. Oddly enough, however, none of that sparked my obsession. In the first chapter of the book, the girl draws an elaborate compass. That's what has stood out in my mind the most. I don't know why, but that's what hooked me on compasses.

FirstBlog:)

Okay so this is my first blog, and I'm not quite sure how it will go.